All Apologies

Well folks....It has been a slice.

Along with other old habits, this blog has finished serving its purpose to me as well. I may write again some day, but for now you will have to look elsewhere for poorly written random gibberish.

For me, this blog was a creative and emotional outlet if you will. I know they say highschool is suppose to be the most difficult time in a persons life. Well, I beg to differ. I managed to make the last two years of my life the most difficult. I can say with certainty they contained the best moments, but also the worst I have ever gone through.

I told half the story in a previous post, and was going to tell the other half prior to me leaving. I think I have done the right thing by actually telling the person, instead of telling the internet. Ha.

There is a reason for all of this I am sure. For now it is obvious I have made so many grave mistakes. Mistakes I didn't think I was capable of. In doing so I began to dislike who I was as a person. I guess the purpose of all this was to learn. I think I have learned more about myself, and people in general, in the last two years then I managed to figure out in the 24 previous ones.

I also now know the feeling of loss once again. It had been quite sometime since I even put myself in a position to do so. This time it was too late. In a sad and almost funny way I was afraid this was going to happen.

It has become apparent that I do not plan my future for myself. I think of the person in it, and plan to suit their needs. I can sustain life off lucky charms and Mr.Noodles and not really be bothered by it. I do not have a future planned anymore. I have no idea where I will end up, or what I will be doing. I guess this is a good thing as I now get to create whatever I want. I believe this new bar will get the majority of my attention and energy in the days to come. Look for a lounge in the Main and Locke area that may or may not be called "Bar in the Back".

My prediction of my future? I get lost in my business life so deeply that I become unplugged from the parts of my life that ail me. In doing so I will become whom ever I am suppose to become. It will be that guy who is found by the right person for me, and I will spend the rest of my days living for them.

So with all my stories finished, and my life going down a new road I think it is probably best to shut this thing down. The past is the past as they say.

What happens next I can not tell...Whatever it is it will be with everything I have.

Thanks for reading, hope you got something out of it.

Wish you all the luck,

Just John.

Inspiration

The "coach" of our hockey team sends out a mass email every week to serve are a reminder of where and when we play. It also acts as a forum to voice any concerns, injuries, etc. We are playing the worst team this week which is going to be a gong show. In celebration of this our coach added "this" to the email of the week...enjoy. I did.

I Love Lamp...

I wanted to do something a bit different with my next post...It's a toast to the combination of film and sound. The two things that seem to inspire me the most, or I guess bring the most out of me. So, without further adieu I give you:

JohnnyMacs Top Ten Music Moments in Film

#10 The Matrix

matrix



Number ten is an odd ball because I tend to think of the Matrix trilogy as a whole. The first film changed the way people thought about sci-fi movies, and the way action sequences were shot. The real scene I was going to show was the lobby scene with the Propellerheads "Spybreak" going on in the background. That had to be one of the coolest action scenes ever produced in the history of film. Instead I found this cool montage that ties the other sequels in as well.

#9 My, Myself, and Irene

Jim Carey gets angry


This was definitely an underrated movie when it first came out. The scene Im showing is the transformation into "Hank". Jim Carey plays a schizophrenic person whos alter ego is a complete asshole...And this song made the movie for me.

#8 Office Space

office space- damn it feels good to be a gangsta



I think this movie is my #2 favorite comedy of all time. The song is "Damn it feels good to be a gangster" which manages to suit these ultra-white office dwellers who detest their daily surroundings beyond the average peon.

#7 Blade

Blade


Yes, Blade. Hahaha. Whatever, this scene blew me away when I first saw it. The track is f'ing awesome, and the blood shower was nuts. Its just one of those moments that makes you realize that we're all just a bunch of animals, and sometimes primal instincts are a very powerful thing. It was either this blade scene, or the Matrix scene in the cave..Both had the same effect.

#6 The Royal Tenenbaums

The Royal Tenenbaums -



This use to be my favorite music moment in film...but the idea has faded to me for the time being. Regardless, the look, and the feel of this moment is perfect. The way those two look at each other you'd swear they were really in love with one another. That combined with the slow motion and melodic guitar riff...Forget about it. Ha.

#5 Last of the Mohicans

The Last of the Mohicans


I COULD talk about this scene, but its better to just watch it. I am a huge fan of instrumental music as I always prefer to have my own thoughts driving the moment rather then someone else's words. This song allows just that. There was a different scene I wanted to show, but could not find it on YouTube. Its Daniel Day Lewis tearing across the battlefield, hacking and chopping his way to save his woman to the same song. The guy is so driven by passion that he looks like a f'ing mad man.

#4 The Royal Tenenbaums

Royal Tenenbaums



This is one of my favorite songs period....This scene is a reaction to #6 not working out so well. I don't know what it is, but Im definitely drawn to intense moments. I tried to come up with an explanation for this: I think Im A.D.D and it takes moments like this to consume my complete self? ahha.

The area of the top three really does not need my commentary. These are musical selections done by brilliant people to create and capture a moment that leaves a mark on your imagination...Or, at least mine.

#3 Fight Club

Fight Club End Scene


#2 Life Aquatic with Steve Zizzo

The Life Aquatic & Sigur Ros


And number one....This song has seen a lot of air time as of late with the release of an XBOX 360 game?? haha. Too funny. Anyways, this movie was not fully understood by a lot of people. The ending is amazing on so many levels. I still don't think I have gotten all that I was suppose out of it. The basic idea is the main character learns that to save the one girl he loves, he must die. He does this with a smile on his face....Enjoy.

#1 Donnie Darko

Donnie Darko ending

Well this is something new...

Ok now....Operation "Get a Grip" is in full effect, but I am even surprising myself these days which is something I haven't done in a while.

First thing was to admit that my relationship with Laura was only harming both of us in the long run and that we couldn't even handle being friends. Mostly my fault. That thought had been around for a while, but I did not know how to let go of her. So we kissed each other goodbye, made the big splitarooni, and here I am.

Now, in my past I have always just gone with the flow. A girl comes around, and I end up dating her. Didn't really matter what the scenario, or situation was. I was just always with someone one way or the other. (Minus like a year long gap in there somewhere, this was not by choice ha, a drought is a drought) I have come to understand that this type of dating is detrimental to both people involved. I don't feel satisfied because I don't really even genuinely care about what Im doing, and the girl usually gets hurt because she does. This would be the case of Maria.

I use to think my brother was nuts for not dating girls more frequently(read gay where the word nuts is hahah jk). The guy is a lady killer but never does anything about it. I think I have picked up something from him as of late. He was ruined by a girl about 6 years ago and didn't really bother dating after that. He had one other serious relationship and she fucked him over too...Damn bitches ha. Hes had a fair share of girls, but I went through something similar many years ago and instead of backing off like he did to heal I dove head first in to the wild world of Bagina and never looked back. I think I now see his position on this, and maybe am I the retarded one? He probably sees all the pain and misery I go through with all my failed relationships and just shakes his head.

In the past I would have definitely dated Maria right now thinking maybe something could really come from this, but if I actually stopped to think about it I know nothing really would, but I would date her none the less because it would be something to do. I was always happier with someone, then without. 100% 180 on that idea, and is exactly why I have now blown this girl off twice now. I am not interested in dating someone with a half-assed effort. I would like something real, or nothing at all.

Isnt that lovely? I am learning and getting better at this relationship stuff!!!

Next is where I surprised myself....

I present to you Amanda:




This girl lives out in Montreal and has invited me down for a no-strings attached weekend of "fun".

I have declined the offer.

J-Mo I am sorry if you fell off your chair.

This is where any guy reading this should just stop because I am going to talk about real things and ideas. I am not ready to date someone. I most likely wont be ready for a long time. I have learned that I am happiest when I am being loved by someone with their entirety, and I wish to give that back to someone with just as much energy. There is no possible way I can do this right now as my thoughts and feelings are attached to my past. So, there is absolutely no point in dating just for the hell of it as it will only prolong me getting over what I have gone through the last two years. I have also adopted the idea that just sleeping with people to satisfy my wants is not productive either. I don't think I want to have this as my answer to: "So, what were past relationships like before me?" "Well, lets see, I banged about 5 or 6 random girls I didn't really care about!" hahaha.

I need to be on my own, recover from this mess I have created, learn who I am all over again, and then come back with my heart in my hand for someone to have.

Sounds terribly cheesy no?

Well, it is what I am choosing. It is similar to the old saying "if you do not have anything good to say, don't say anything at all". I cant possible give someone everything as it is not mine to give. Therefore, I will choose to be by myself until I have all of me back.

What will I be doing in the meantime?

Besides, learning what makes ME happy all over again I will be investing in my future once again by expending time, energy, and capital in the present. I think I am going to go into partnership with a friend of mine to open up our own BAR!!!!!!! There will be a post about this in the near future. For now I will just throw that out there. To achieve this I think I need to grow up once again...I cut out cigs and pot with little effort, so that was huge. But, I need to do other things besides that, like eating real food, and getting proper exercise. Walking around like a zombie does not put you in the right frame of mind to take control of the things you want out of life.

I know what its like to love someone like mad and not have them care about you.

I know what its like to have someone love you like mad and not care about them.

I know what its like to love someone like mad, and have them love you back, and not have it work.

I know what its like to love someone like mad, and have them love you like mad, but never each other at the same time.

I will now learn to be patient and work on myself so I am able to be ready for that person that it does work with.

Its funny not knowing who that person is going to be....Or if they even exist.

Some people live their whole life and never find what they are looking for.

Sorry for the gay mushy stuff...Just something I wanted to get off my chest.

And you thought THAT was dumb? Wait till you hear this!!

This weekend was jam packed with silly stuff. The best I will save for last...so skip to the end is what I'm saying basically.

Friday night was a friends birthday and we ended up going bowling to celebrate, then off to the bar. My first game was not so great...67. Ha. The second one proved to be much better...114 or something. After the white Russians were downed we headed over to a bar we don't normally bother with. Good times had by all regardless.

Now we move to Saturday night which was pretty funny in itself. I went to a Wii party? A friend that lives in a cool condo downtown Toronto decided to do this. Her brother rented out the party room in the building, got a big projection screen, and hooked up the Wii for some late night gaming. I gotta say it was pretty damn fun. Booze helps....Booze and good company.




Filipino women are fun people to hang out with I might add...

This would be the host of the bash...As you can tell alcohol did fuel this night.




In the morning I drove myself back to the hammer in a slightly hazed out state. While I was driving I had a American Beauty moment. Does anyone remember the part where the main character films a plastic bag swirling in the wind by itself? Anyways, my parking ticket decided to start dancing in the defrost heat.




It was really calming for some reason...Not that I was stressed out, but any sort of aliment was alleviated watching that thing float on its own. Yes I should have been watching the road....I'm a multi-tasker no worries.

Now, for the moment you've all been waiting for:

I don't know if there is even a real name for this, but I am going to call this skater cross for all intensive purposes. I am sure everyone knows what boarder-cross is. Quick refresh: 8 people on snowboards line up for a race to the bottom of the hill on a course that includes jumps, burms, and other obstacles. Red Bull has an event going in Quebec where people do this on ice skates down a sloping city street glazed over with ice. This is right up there with my own personally invented sport of stair riding on the old barometer of stupidity.

I cant f'ing wait to do this....Its going to be an odd combination of boarder-cross meets the running of the bulls all whacked out on Red Bull.

Myself, and three of my friends are heading down to Toronto for the qualifying rounds being held on the 26th. If we qualify we are bused out, and put up in a hotel, by Red Bull to compete in this event.

This will pretty much be the most awesome thing I have ever done if I make it into the competition. Now, there's 100 people trying out in Toronto and they only take 5 people from each city. So, I have about a 5% chance of making it. But!!! The only bloody reason why I was ever any good at hockey was my speed. I can fly. So, I am hoping don't blow a gasket and actually make the cut.

We'll see what happens...

Pro what?

Good morning boys and girls, today I’m going to talk to you about propinquity!!

What is propinquity you might ask? Well, I’m glad you asked...

In social psychology, propinquity (from Latin propinquitas, nearness) is one of the main factors leading to interpersonal attraction. It refers to the physical or psychological proximity between people. Two people living on the same floor of a building, for example, have a higher propinquity than those living on different floors. Propinquity can mean physical proximity, a kinship between people, or a similarity in nature between things.

Basically, your environment has a direct effect on you as a person. You become what surrounds you because you are drawn to form similarities with the people that are closest to you.

A prime example is the workplace. If you work with a bunch of divorced, alcoholic, abusive scum-buckets you might form a social bond with these people. It is not to say that you yourself will follow the same path, but that you might sympathize with them and almost come to accept this behavior as normal. In other examples that are less extreme you may completely adopt similar characteristics. If you work with a group of people who are sarcastic and witty, they will rub off on you. Your sense of humor might shift and may ultimately find yourself associated with this type of person on a regular basis.

The workplace is obviously the most generic example of large sums of time spent within a group of people you did not choose to be around. There are other situations where this concept is found: the gym, the bar scene, your neighborhood, pretty much anywhere you interact with people.

After kinships are formed due to proximity, the next logical step would be to find a romantic relationship. Often these are formed with people who share similar interests. When two people have a high propinquity with each other it is natural to develop romantic feelings for each other.

This would be the example of the propinquity effect: the tendency for people to form friendships or romantic relationships with those whom they encounter often. In other words, relationships tend to be formed between those who have a high propinquity.

Why in the Hell am I talking about this? I think this is something people over look in their lives because it is not really a great conversation piece. Although, I think it should be included in possible New Years resolutions. Examine the people who contribute to your life in a positive way, and those who do not.

There is a certain portion a person must take responsibility for to better themselves. This would be the vast majority of all things concerning ones self. However, one should acknowledge that outside factors contribute to your well being. So in order to improve on yourself and your life it only makes sense to try and surround yourself with good, honest, caring people if that is what you strive to be. Depending on what your goals are in life will depend on whom you should look to for companionship. It’s like playing tennis with someone that sucks goat balls. You will never get any better if you keep smoking them. If you find someone to play with that challenges you then of course your game will improve.

For the most part Id like to think my family and friends are good, decent folk. There is of course exceptions of liars, backstabbers, nutcases, and leeches.

The goal is to weed these people out who are beyond help, or who do not believe they need it.

There is another concept that I have not been able to find much on anywhere, reverse-propinquity: the acknowledgement of your own influences on others around you. If you can see that you are doing nothing but harm to someone, then one should take the responsibility to remove themselves from the situation to better the other person.

I am not sure of what my goals are, what my major weaknesses are, or what I need to work on to better myself.

For the first time in a long time I feel I am a perfectly clean canvas.

"Around and around she goes, where she stops? Nobody knows"

Dont think twice, its alright....

Laura:




After my boss got canned, and I stepped into his shoes, we needed to back fill my position. My company was in charge of locating someone to help me out and I had no real choice as to who we got. They found Laura. At first I thought this girl hated me....She came off as a bit of a bitch to start with. But, I figured it was her just needing to get settled in where she was before she opened up.

After a few weeks we kinda figured out we were into the same things and she started to talk to me on a normal even keel. Not like I was her boss and she had to be nice to me, but we saw each other for who we really were. So that was great. I had someone that I could get along with to help me out here. Wonderful I thought. Then after a while of working together everday I stopped and thought to myself: Holyshit, This girl is cute as hell!!! She also dressed very sexy which drove me nuts day in and day out.

One day she asked if I liked this band Theory of a Dead Man. Of course I did not, but because she was asking I said yes, and before I knew it we were going to a concert together with one of her friends.

Nothing transpired that night, but I knew what was happening here...or at least what I wanted to have happen.

Another little bit went by and we ended up at another concert together...this time I did not drive home!!

It was the most comfortable I have ever been with someone in my life. It was like home in this girls bed with her wrapped around my body. That was it, after that we started dating. This was a relationship unlike any other Ive ever been in. When I looked into this girls eyes I could see her soul. I could feel what she felt just by looking at her. Never had a connection like this before in my life. She had this rough exterior front that I saw through completely to find this girl...this girl that was the funniest, most genuinue person I have ever met. This was a real girl. A real person. A woman you could say. There is a difference between girls and women. Girls play games and are selfish and childish. Women are different. They know how to communicate thier wants and are capable of being rational. So ya, I was happy as a clam with her.

We could not let anyone at work know because there was an unwritten policy that this type of thing was frowned upon. It was almost fun in a way to have our little glances with each other, or brush up against one another intentionally. However, it was also shitty because when you spend so much time pretending you are not dating it subconciously fucks you up I think. Also, spending every single second together is not completely healthy either. This opened up grounds for uncertanty and mis-communication. We also never talked about important stuff. Things just either were, or werent. One of the major downfalls in our relationship I suppose.

So things hit the skids a bit and we didnt really know where each of us stood...I think we were both just being big chickens.

During this phase I went down to Boston to see an old friend which changed everything.

Laura and I ended up breaking up, yet continued to work directly with each other. This was perhaps comparable with the worst kind of torture. No real point in explaining that part becuase it is just depressing. Lets just say that to see this girl upset was hell in itself. I couldnt take it for some reason. I would do anything to take pain away from her except for do exactly what she needed the most, for me to leave her alone. This went on for what seemed like eons until she finally got a new job.

We tried to date again "officially" in the summer which did not work out as planned.

There was always something not quite right....I could never put my finger on it, or perhaps I just did not want to. I am not sure of this.

Alone we were perfect. If we added other people into the mix we seemed awkward.

So how do you walk away from that person....the only person you've ever dated that truely loved you...the person that is your answer to who would you like to be stranded on a deserted island for the rest of you life with...how do you walk away from that person and believe you are doing the right thing? Well, it took me way too long to get to this point. The answer is simple, she deserves someone like me, but that doesnt ever have to ask that question. He just does not walk away.

She has passion, love, and life inside of her and I snatched that away selfishly not knowing what I wanted to do with it. I just knew I wanted it. Do not get me wrong, I was not a complete asshole about it. I knew there was moments where the two of us were happy as fucking hell. Moments that will never be forgotten, moments where we tapped into each others lust for life and just enjoyed what was around us. Unfortunately, it was spoiled for the most part and I let that happen. I regret not letting this relationship run its proper course....I will forever feel ashamed for that.

I met Laura at the wrong time in my life...I think if we had met earlier things would have worked out differently.

However, we have finally reached our destination...

We said our goodbyes after a bunch of tears, mostly mine. ha. I am a suck for her, what can I say.

This girl deserves whatever she wishes out of life....and she will get it. Karma will see to that. All she wanted to do was love me, and have me by her side doing the same back. She put up with a lot of shit, more then a normal person would have taken that is forsure. The title of this post is a Bob Dylan song directed not at her, but rather, a reflection of her attitude, her paitence, and my stupidity.

What do I deserve? Well, I deserve what I have gotten...and probably more of that to come.

I will have many a regret that I tampered with her heart. I had good intentions, but unfortunately was not the right person for her....and I refused to see it. It was like having the second best hand in poker. I went all the way to the bitter end hoping my royal flush would come out and was left with nothing...just a bunch of people pissed off at me, and lots of people hurt.

I only pray to God I end up with someone that has a heart like hers.

I will not settle for anything less....